http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ Discussion Board en-US Mon, 06 Feb 2012 02:34:02 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/search.php http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=66#post-108 Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:28:21 +0000 Jenn 108@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>I am new here obviously, but I have been both a step-child and 5 years ago became a step-mom. My step-children are now 8 years old, I have 4 biological children, and last year my husband and I had a baby together. There have been a few struggles along the way and I decided recently to look into somewhere I could get sound advice or at least experienced opinions about some things regarding my walk as a step-mom. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=53#post-90 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:08:27 +0000 time2heal 90@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Hello Everyone:</p> <p>I have been separated for over three years. I am the mother of three grown adults, my eldest is on her own, I do have contact with her from time to time. My other two children are in first and second year university. However, they reside with their father and grandmother. </p> <p>Throughout the separation, I tried staying in touch via email or on their cell phone, most times I had to leave a message. I kept it up for over 1.5 years and the pain of not hearing from them was so deep that I had to stop. However, I never stopped acknowledging their birthday or on special occassions.</p> <p>I thought that if I kept trying to reach out to them, I might be putting them in an awkward position and make their life difficult. </p> <p>This was the only way their father could get back at me for having to split everything we acquired in half including his pension. </p> <p>My heart breaks, and I miss them terribly, I sometimes believe that maybe when they leave him and his mother's clutches that they will be able to reach out to me, but then again I have no idea what it is like to be the child who living with the alienator.</p> <p>If anyone could help me understand it would be appreciated.</p> <p>Heart Broken Mom </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=52#post-89 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 03:12:38 +0000 rose 89@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Design rule might be the very best degree of enhancement. 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I am seeking adults between the ages of 20 and 35 who have experienced parental divorce in either childhood or adulthood to assist me in the completion of a study that examines the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and intimacy. </p> <p>If you agree to participate in this study, please click on this link (<a href="http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT" rel="nofollow">http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT</a>) and complete the survey on SurveyMonkey.com. The online survey I am conducting is very easy to complete. The whole process is designed to take less than 10 minutes to complete. Participation in this study is completely voluntary and anonymous. You are free to not answer any question, to stop participating at any time for any reason, and to not have your information be part of the data set. All forms will be kept confidential; that is, no one will have knowledge of which questionnaire belongs to you. </p> <p>The aim of my study is to learn about the psychological impact of parental divorce, particularly how the age at which parental divorce occurs influences attitudes towards marriage and intimacy. It is of particular importance to examine the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and levels of intimacy because they are indicators of relationship stability. The ultimate goal of this study is to acquire data that can be used to assist adult children of divorce in understanding the impact of mid- to late-life parental divorce and develop strategies that encourage healthy, lasting marriages. </p> <p>Please contact me if you would like a summary of my findings when the project is finished. If you have any questions, please contact me at <a href="mailto:SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com">SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com</a>.</p> <p>Thank you in advance for your time and assistance. I really appreciate your help and I am sincerely grateful.</p> <p>Best wishes,</p> <p>Samantha Friedman </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=13#post-48 Thu, 30 Dec 2010 14:41:04 +0000 Sfriedman 48@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>To Whom It May Concern:<br /> My name is Samantha Friedman, an alumna of the University of California at Berkeley and Fordham University, and I am currently a doctoral clinical psychology student at Saybrook University (San Francisco). I am seeking adults between the ages of 20 and 35 who have experienced parental divorce in either childhood or adulthood to assist me in the completion of a study that examines the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and intimacy. </p> <p>If you agree to participate in this study, please click on this link (<a href="http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT" rel="nofollow">http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT</a>) and complete the survey on SurveyMonkey.com. The online survey I am conducting is very easy to complete. The whole process is designed to take less than 10 minutes to complete. Participation in this study is completely voluntary and anonymous. You are free to not answer any question, to stop participating at any time for any reason, and to not have your information be part of the data set. All forms will be kept confidential; that is, no one will have knowledge of which questionnaire belongs to you. </p> <p>The aim of my study is to learn about the psychological impact of parental divorce, particularly how the age at which parental divorce occurs influences attitudes towards marriage and intimacy. It is of particular importance to examine the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and levels of intimacy because they are indicators of relationship stability. The ultimate goal of this study is to acquire data that can be used to assist adult children of divorce in understanding the impact of mid- to late-life parental divorce and develop strategies that encourage healthy, lasting marriages. </p> <p>Please contact me if you would like a summary of my findings when the project is finished. If you have any questions, please contact me at <a href="mailto:SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com">SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com</a>.</p> <p>Thank you in advance for your time and assistance. I really appreciate your help and I am sincerely grateful.</p> <p>Best wishes,</p> <p>Samantha Friedman </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=12#post-47 Mon, 05 Jul 2010 23:55:09 +0000 stressmedic 47@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Do the kids have a Right to know what their Parents are doing when they are with the other....I feel If I have nothing to hide then they have every right to ask...what I was doing when they are with their mother....My wife and I are in the process of divorce and she feels what she is doing when they are with me is her business and she owes them no explaination or Truthful answer and her " away " time is a big secret....<br /> I have 3 kids ( 6, 10, 13 ) they do not want this divorce and I don't either...the youngest doesn't understand much..thank god !!! but the older 2 are very intellagent and If they ask me an adult question I give them the honest adult answer....not a white lie or sugar coated answer...PLEASE HELP....do you agree ???? </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=11#post-46 Mon, 05 Jul 2010 22:43:08 +0000 stressmedic 46@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Do the kids have a Right to know what their Parents are doing when they are with the other....I feel If I have nothing to hide then they have every right to ask...what I was doing when they are with their mother....My wife and I are in the process of divorce and she feels what she is doing when they are with me is her business and she owes them no explaination or Truthful answer and her " away " time is a big secret....<br /> I have 3 kids ( 6, 10, 13 ) they do not want this divorce and I don't either...the youngest doesn't understand much..thank god !!! but the older 2 are very intellagent and If they ask me an adult question I give them the honest adult answer....not a white lie or sugar coated answer...PLEASE HELP....do you agree ???? </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-45 Wed, 26 May 2010 11:21:17 +0000 Urchin 45@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Jo,</p> <p>You aren't alone and it absolutely wasn't foolish to post here. It's often times easier to talk to strangers over the internet than it is someone who's right there and too close to the situation. It's one of the reasons I go by the nickname "urchin" though it's no where near as anonymous as it once was, it's like a comfortable blanket, or a favorite stuffed animal.</p> <p>I was very similar to you. Still am in a lot of ways. I try not to talk about my problems, I even hedge here some with with and snark. I try to make things seem less hurtful to me than they actually are because if I can convince myself that it's not painful... maybe it won't be. So far it hasn't really been working, but the snark is so ingrained within me at this point it's automatic.</p> <p>Being the child of adoption, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I've mentioned this before in comments and in an article I wrote for associated content about depression. I didn't get a lot of hits on the article which only served to make me feel that much *more* footnoteish. </p> <p>That being said, I've found the community here on The Grown Up Child to be understanding, forgiving, and insightful. They have suggestions without trying to "fix" everything, because they know that some things just can't be 'fixed' that way. </p> <p>Take your time. We're here if you want/need to talk. Rambling or structured posts, it doesn't matter. What matters is your comfort and happiness. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-44 Wed, 26 May 2010 06:21:18 +0000 oners 44@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>David</p> <p>I'm sorry for your loss. It's a sad story, indeed.</p> <p>Jo </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-43 Wed, 26 May 2010 06:15:19 +0000 oners 43@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Thanks everyone for your thoughtful posts.</p> <p>I don't really know what to say now, though. I am very heavy-hearted at the moment and my thoughts are all over the place. I'm also feeling a bit foolish for posting here. I know that's it's a safe place and you are all lovely people, I'm sure, but it just highlights the fact that I don't have people around me with whom I could talk about this stuff.</p> <p>I did open up to close friends some years ago but once I did, I couldn't seem to stop and I think I scared them off. My desperate need for constant reassurance is not easy to bear - I know this. I know I'm not easy to befriend. This is why I now avoid talking about anything important to me. I don't even really talk about this with my husband - mainly because he sees it as his responsibility to 'fix' things when, of course, they can't be fixed. </p> <p>I just struggle with the fact that there's no-one really on my side. Do you know what I mean? Someone once described it as "a hand to your back" and I like that phrase. I don't have a family - mum, dad, siblings, grandparents... I now have my own kids but the responsibility of being a 'good parent' is weighing heavy on me seeing as I have no-one to turn to to ask for help and guidance.</p> <p>It's the small things that hurt the most. For example, when I was pregnant with my second child, my eldest caught chicken pox. My GP asked if I had had the illness as a child myself and I didn't know. I didn't have anyone I could ask. That hurt so much.</p> <p>My in-laws often comment on how my eldest son is just like his father. I don't know what I was like as a child and again, there's no-one around to ask. It's very destabilising to not have a sense of one's own history. At times it's like I don't exist.</p> <p>To not feel loved is crippling. It magnifies all my insecurities. It makes me fearful of my future. It makes me incapable of loving in return. </p> <p>Again, sorry for the rambling nature of this post. Perhaps when I'm feeling better I'll come back and add something more lucid. </p> <p>But for now, thanks again.</p> <p>Jo </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-42 Tue, 25 May 2010 20:24:30 +0000 The Grown Up Child 42@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>David, thank you so much for sharing again and for your wonderful support for Jo. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. If you need any support for yourself, don't hesitate to reach out. I know from our own recent personal experience that the guilt and questions about what we could have done differently to change the outcome can be heavy on our hearts. </p> <p>Take care of yourself, </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-41 Sat, 22 May 2010 08:42:29 +0000 David 41@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Hello Jo,<br /> For the past three weeks I've been struggling.<br /> A friend of Mine (an ACOD) was raised and a witness to things that 6-7 years olds shouldn't see or hear. This went on for 20+ years till he moved out. He aged (but never grew up), finished an apprenticeship, got married, had kids + the white picket fence. Well I'm sad to say that we (so called friends) let him down. We were too busy with our own lives and weren't there to notice his depression coming back. You see he had 2 failed suicide attemps as an early 20 year old but now as a 35y/o I'm sorry to say he's no longer with us.<br /> The first step is the most difficult which is finding people you feel comfortable confiding in. I did so with my own problems a year ago and I'm all the better for it. If this is where you feel confortable for now I'm sure Carolyn and her readers are pleased to have you join us. No apoligies needed for expressing your feelings, and we look forward to more of your thoughts. You are not alone.<br /> David </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-40 Tue, 18 May 2010 23:37:57 +0000 Urchin 40@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>You know you're already a bookmark on my new phone, right? </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-39 Tue, 18 May 2010 23:33:01 +0000 The Grown Up Child 39@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Urchin, you are full of awesome! Thank you for both your kind words about this myself and this site and for welcoming Jo so warmly. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-38 Tue, 18 May 2010 23:22:20 +0000 Urchin 38@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Jo-</p> <p>Welcome to The Grown Up Child. You've found a wonderful place to share built by Carolyn and fed by her readers. I have a theory as to why you chose to post what you did here. It's safe. You've gone through, you've read, you've seen. You see other people with feelings similar to your own. </p> <p>As you said, you started to unravel when you felt secure enough to admit that you were a mess. As for why I, someone who prided herself on NEVER letting someone see the pain, post here: it's safe. Carolyn has this way of writing that makes me *want* to write back. To share. </p> <p>My parents haven't divorced. I'm still hoping. My mother hasn't had an affair (that I'm aware of, she doesn't seem the type [that is to say she won't go for the things that make her happy]), my father might have. I'm not sure about that but I have other theories there. </p> <p>You're so very right when you say that you never stop needing your parents. I need them. I'm terrified that I'll never actually have them. I honestly believe that I was adopted to make my father look better in the community. So that he could have that perfect family with 2.5 kids or whatever the number was at the time. I don't feel loved. I feel abandoned, perhaps not physically (though there is a touch of that with the biological family, but that's unrelated to this currently, she did what was 'best' for me.) </p> <p>If you haven't already there are a few posts of Carolyn's (and the comments prompted) that I hope will help you feel less alone:</p> <p><a href="http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/06/worthy-of-my-scar/" rel="nofollow">http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/06/worthy-of-my-scar/</a><br /> This particular post was so powerful that I keep going back to read it. I cry, every time. </p> <p><a href="http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/06/the-connected-ones/" rel="nofollow">http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/06/the-connected-ones/</a><br /> This one is about the walls that we put up and how we cope (or not) with being in the painful positions we're in (ACOD or not).</p> <p><a href="http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/08/struggling-to-feel-wanted/" rel="nofollow">http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/08/struggling-to-feel-wanted/</a><br /> This one is directly about feeling wanted.</p> <p>I'll leave you with those to start with, and allow you to explore Carolyn's site on your own.</p> <p>Once more welcome, and thank YOU for sharing. It's hard, I know, believe me I know in my own way. But here, you can. Without fear. </p> <p>-Urchin </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-37 Tue, 18 May 2010 23:20:46 +0000 The Grown Up Child 37@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Well first of all Jo, thank you for trusting this place with your story. I can understand and relate completely. I didn't have a parent walk out like yours, but I did have a parent move away and I am currently estranged from one of my parents as well.</p> <p>When you write about your life unraveling as an adult, it rings so true and I think for many of us it happens that way. As if we batten down the hatches and trudge forward to a goal that we've set of growing up into a normal adult so that at least we can feel normal again. But then it's like a big let down because when we get there - when we stop and look around to see that we've got the career and the house and the husband and the family, the disappointment can't help but settle in because we feel the same. damn. way. we always did. If you were like me, you held on to the disillusionment that once you were free of being a 'child of divorce' and simply became an adult you would be free of all the shit. Only to find out that it doesn't really matter how old you get. You're still a child of divorce.</p> <p>The isolation is hard. I find it's even difficult to really connect and talk about this stuff with other grown children of divorce because we are often so well hidden behind our veneers of doing 'just fine'. It's one of the biggest reasons I started this space. So that people like us could feel free to connect and share and while not having to completely come out of our shells.</p> <p>You aren't losing your mind. You have survived divorce and that means you are strong. You write that you struggle with relationships, but the fact that you wrote it means that you see it, and that means that you can slowly work towards changing it. I have struggled with that one too. I've written posts such as <a href="http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/07/my-best-kept-secret/">My Best Kept Secret</a> and <a href="http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/06/splintered/">Splintered</a> about that very topic.</p> <p>I will be thinking about you Jo. Feel free to post any time you want to talk about anything. You can feel free to Private Message me as well or email if you prefer. I'm really glad to have been able to connect with you. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=10#post-36 Tue, 18 May 2010 06:45:49 +0000 oners 36@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Hi</p> <p>My name's Jo and my parents divorced 21 years ago. When I say divorced, I mean my mum got up one morning, packed a case and left. She sent my dad and I a letter a week later saying that she was not coming back. I later found out that she had moved 6000 miles away with a man she swore she wasn't having an affair with. </p> <p>I was 16 at the time and was 3 months off starting my GCSEs. I managed to scrape through my exams and while I didn't get to complete my A-Levels and go on to University as I had planned, I did make a success of my life.</p> <p>It was only when I got married myself (at the age of 30) that I started to unravel. I think it was only at that point did I feel secure enough to admit I was a complete mess. Since then, I have had 2 children of my own and my feelings of rage towards my parents have been overwhelming. To cut a long story short, I haven't seen my dad for 13 years or my mum for 6.</p> <p>It's awful. You never stop needing your parents. And I am so sad. The feelings of isolation are unbearable sometimes. I have a lovely husband and two beautiful children but I struggle with building relationships. I am unwilling to let anyone in in case they abandon me. I am hard to know and I am all the more lonely for it.</p> <p>Sorry for this stream of consciousness. There's no structure to this post, I know. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I guess I would just like to know that I am not losing my mind.</p> <p>Thanks</p> <p>Jo </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=9#post-35 Fri, 23 Apr 2010 13:43:59 +0000 maliasa 35@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Sorry for all the pain that insensitive and stupid questions have caused everyone.<br /> I have been divorced for a couple of years, and everyone tends to assume that it is OK to ask all sorts of sensitive questions. I have some bad and horrible memories and many of them are related to the pain that I caused my daughter. But it is not something that I want to tell a stranger about, or indeed anyone, except discuss it with me daughter. Went for a date almost a year ago, and one of the first questions I was asked: "Was the diorce amicable?" And then the person started to talk about how much his divorced had cost him moneywise! </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=9#post-34 Fri, 09 Apr 2010 15:47:32 +0000 David 34@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Urchin,<br /> I'm sorry for the pain you've endoured but glad you're showing me the scars. I had totally forgotten about the wedding I was excluded from. It brings a kind'of sadness to my heart but at the same time I can reflect on it as an adult. (about me) My parents had an egg-topic pregancy before adopting me, which then led to a full hystorectomy. And only in the last few days have I connected some dots. I beleive the pain/void in my dad's eyes were from that lost. I know my dad loved me to the moon and back but at the same time there was a void. It wasn't until we had our children could I start to comprehend. I need to think and feel more before I comment further. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=9#post-33 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 23:57:15 +0000 Urchin 33@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Not to ignore what you've said Carolyn, but David's strikes home. I'll get back to “Why did they get divorced” in just a bit. Promise.</p> <p>David, reading your post I went through a series of emotions. Pissed was the first, and it hit me so fast and hard, my boyfriend came to check on me to see why I'd said what I said (it won't be repeated here). This was followed by a wave of familiarity. As a child of adoption myself (before I was born the paperwork had been signed and the deal all but done) I've heard very similar things in different situations. I was even left out of a cousin's wedding reception because I “wasn't really family”. Next came sorrow. I always hoped that I was the only one who had to deal with that crap. I didn't want anyone else to have to put up with it. This was, naturally followed by being pissed again. (That is to say really, really uber angry, not sure where you are so “pissed” may mean “drunk”.) </p> <p>There are some things no one should have to deal with. Being belittled is certainly one of them. I don't know if what was said to you was meant to be hurtful or not, but in my own experience it has been. My father (adoptive) used to tell me that he could always “take me back” if necessary. (That lasted up until I looked up the adoption laws and turned them back around on him. No, no he couldn't have.)</p> <p>I could go into this long tirade about how they were jealous over the attentions given to you, or how they felt pretty small themselves so had to turn it around onto you because it was easy. I've heard it all, and none of it has really helped. What it really boils down to is that people, as a general rule, either don't think about how their words will affect someone or they're unconsciously (or not) being bullies because it's what comes naturally.</p> <p>What you do need to know, however, is that it doesn't matter what the cousins or the Uncle said in the same way it matters what your grandparents SHOWED you. Did their actions say that they loved you? Judging by the way you were upset over them being ill and the words spoken, my guess says that they did. A lot. (Why else would it provoke such words of hurt?) be confident in that. And as I learned today, we aren't alone in this hurt.</p> <p>Now! Back to “Why did they get divorced?” Seriously, there are several hurtful questions that can be asked. That has to be one of the top ten, with other gems such as: “Why did you parents give you up for adoption?”, “What was the abortion like?”, and “Have you ever killed anyone?” (asked specifically to law officers and military).</p> <p>I mean really? REALLY? This goes back to what I was saying to David, about how people either don't think about what they're saying and how their words are going to affect someone. Sometimes people are just completely and socially ignorant. Or as Conan likes to call it, afflicted with “Social Dyslexia”. </p> <p>Usually when asked “Why were you put up for adoption, your parents didn't want you?” I'd turn around with “Nope, but at least they were honest about it. Yours aren't.” Which more often than not was returned with a blank stare. Maybe it was over their heads, maybe it rang home. At the time I had no idea why I'd been put up for adoption. I didn't really care, life was pretty miserable however you looked at it (See: For the Child of a Bad Marriage). I used snark and wit as my weapons of choice. Which often landed me in a great deal more trouble than just walking away, though truth be told, I felt better for it. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=9#post-32 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 22:26:36 +0000 The Grown Up Child 32@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>David, I can't even begin to imagine what that must have felt like for you. So hurtful. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=9#post-31 Wed, 07 Apr 2010 14:21:38 +0000 David 31@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>I was adopted @ 8 weeks of age.<br /> 1) When my grandpa was sick/dying they told me "I know you're hurting, imagine us we're actually realted to him." (cousins)<br /> 2) Talking about my grandma and how loving she is to her family I was reminded that "her love is even greater for her real grandchildren." (Uncle) </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=9#post-30 Tue, 06 Apr 2010 00:12:02 +0000 The Grown Up Child 30@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>The other day, I couldn't believe what I heard someone ask a fellow grown child of divorce. This person was recounting a story and mentioned that her parents were divorced and that some of her siblings lived with her mom and some with her dad. Just then, another person pipes up and says "Why did your parents get divorced?"</p> <p>The first woman thought (or maybe hoped) she had misheard and said "When did my parents get divorced?". The other woman couldnt' take a hint and persisted with "No, Why?". The first asked for clarification again "Why did my parents get divorced?". The second eagerly nodded with a "Mmm-hmm!"</p> <p>I stood by rather dumbfounded. So was the first woman. She kind of stammered "I don't really know why, I was in second grade." I finally came to my senses and said a curt "That is a rather personal question."</p> <p>Seriously, I can't believe someone would ask that in casual conversation. What kind of answer are they hoping for? A brief overview? Juicy details? As if someone wants to just start talking in front of a group of people they don't know real well about one of the most painful times in their lives and all their parent's marital shortcomings.</p> <p>Sorry for the rant. It just made me so mad.</p> <p>But it got me to thinking. I know that the second woman is surely not the only person in the world insensitive to the intricacies of divorce. Of all the children of divorce, divorced parents, step parents, adopted children, children who have lost a parent, okay...anyone; what are some rude questions that you have encountered and how did you answer? </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=4#post-29 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 23:29:14 +0000 Urchin 29@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>You know, Bird. I think you're right. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=4#post-28 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 15:17:22 +0000 Bird 28@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Hi, I think this is different for each individual. Some people just generally have a bond with anyone they meet. Other people need to feel very deep intimate connections that can only be felt through either genetics, or time, or experience. </p> <p>Some divorce and step-family situations just don't provide the background atmosphere for healthy bonding. </p> <p>The age of the child seems to also have something to do with whether or not the bond is easily accepted. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=8#post-27 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 15:07:22 +0000 Bird 27@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Hi, I'm a new member here. Great forum Carolyn.</p> <p>Carolyn's input is going to be more valid than mine because she has personal experience with your problem and I don't. I lived with my Mother and my Father was about 10 miles away.</p> <p>I was thinking that the best thing would be for the Father to come out to your place this Summer and visit with his Son. Recognize that his Son has a home of his own, and that he owes him a visit, no strings attached. --just another thought, don't know if it's the right thing. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=8#post-26 Wed, 24 Mar 2010 08:18:02 +0000 David 26@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>I'll start my response much like Carolyn's, I'm not sure what the answer is, just an obeservation. What is keeping you in NC ? Employment, family, circle of friends. If your children choose CA as a place of permanent residence can you follow. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=8#post-25 Tue, 23 Mar 2010 22:15:51 +0000 The Grown Up Child 25@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Alright. I'm going to give you my thoughts, but really I have no answers for you. I don't know if there are any answers to give. You will need to come to those for yourself and your children.</p> <p>Is it possible to get some legal counsel first? Do you have a custody order which applies to your kids? That may give you a measure of protection with regards to your children's visitations.</p> <p>It heartbreaking for me to read about what has happened with your daughter. And the best advice I can give you is to be there for her. Just be there. And then don't be surprised if/when she comes back home. Kids from divorce tend to house hop (I wrote a post about house hopping) and it's typical for kids to come back after an 'extended visit' with their non custodial parent. If she was manipulated into staying, that will have pretty devastating consequences at some point for the relationship she has with her father and she'll need to you be there to support her when it all falls apart.</p> <p>When I was a young teenager, I moved in with my dad who also lived about 2500 miles away from my mom. My mom and I had a fight which prompted me to call him and ask if I could move in with him. My mom calmed down and told me to go for my usual summer visitation and then to come home so we would work it all out. I left with the promise that I would be back two months later, but I didn't come home for almost 4 years.</p> <p>I remember the discussions at my father's house over that summer. About how I could get my drivers license, access to a car, get braces, have a late curfew, a tv in my room, all under one condition - that I stay. And so I did. What teenager wouldn't? I remember having a sense of how that would devastate my mother, step father, half siblings, and extended family, but the draw of all that 'stuff' was too strong.</p> <p>But the problem was that making that decision, being given the power to make that decision brought me to my knees emotionally. And although I managed to get through life the next few years, I eventually imploded and ran back home. It's four years that culminated in affecting so many lives negatively it's hard to even fathom. And do you know what I wish most of all today? That I had been forced to go home instead of staying all those years ago.</p> <p>I wish my mom would have called a lawyer or that my dad had acted differently. I wasn't meant to live there and I was not emotionally mature enough to appropriately prioritize my needs. Because I didn't need my license or a car or braces or any of it. I needed to work out my problems at home in a healthy manner, not be facilitated in running away from them.</p> <p>My situation is likely very different from yours, but there are some threads common to many of us. First, kids of divorce tend in their teen years to bounce from parent to parent unless the parents work closely together to prevent that. And secondly that you need some legal protection for yourself and your family. Even if your children are able to decide their residence will be with their father, you still have a right to access, just as their father would have when they live with you. The distance makes visitation logistically difficult, but you both have a right to your children no matter how far you live from each other.</p> <p>I wish you all the best in this process. Again, thank you for trusting this place enough to ask here. Good luck.</p> <p>Carolyn </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=7#post-24 Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:43:19 +0000 Urchin 24@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Jayscue,</p> <p>My immediate response is to say no. Don't force your son to go out there. But I need to step back and take a deep breath. As a child of adoption who grew up in a hugely manipulative household much like the one you are describing with your children's father there are other factors to keep in mind as well. The foster kids. Is he going to throw them away just as easily if they don't "love him right away"?</p> <p>I'm not familiar with visitation rights and laws, but I <em>think</em> if your son is a teenager he's old enough to make his own decisions and the courts can't force him to go. </p> <p>Depending on what part of NC you are in I can point you in the direction of several lawyers who might be able to answer the visitation rights/laws questions for you regarding the Golden Leaf State.</p> <p>In all sincerity I'm sorry you're being put through this. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=7#post-23 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 19:41:51 +0000 The Grown Up Child 23@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Hi jayscue,</p> <p>Thank you for trusting this space enough to ask such a personal and difficult question here. I admire your bravery in posting about this issue in the general discussion area, but in order for me to respond honestly, I'll give my input in the member's only area. I am still formulating my response to this complex situation, but I hope to be able to post it tonight.</p> <p>Carolyn </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=7#post-22 Mon, 22 Mar 2010 09:43:07 +0000 jayscue 22@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>I have 3 children from a previous marraige and we've been divorced for 8 years. He lives in CA and I in NC which makes visitation really hard on the kids. My son doesn't want to go visit his father this summer, should I make him? I have always encouraged a relationship with their father but feel he tries to alienate them from me when they visit. Last summer he tried to keep my son, had my son calling saying he didn't wanna come back and I could hear his father in the background telling him what to say.. I know it is confusing for them because they don't get to see him but their father makes it a more difficult task, he cries in front them about them staying, he says horrible untruths about me, he has tried to block my number from my oldest daughters phone (who is supposed to stay for only a year there now she doesn't want to come back) etc...<br /> Why their father would move so far away is beyond me. I think that is one reason my oldest daughter wanted to go visit him, she blames herself for his move. He moved to CA about a year after the divorce. He got married and decided to move back to NC and we had 50/50 custody. Well one day his wife asked the kids where do you want to live and my oldest spoke up first and said with me and visit them on the weekends and the other two agreed. He went bezerk screaming cursing at the oldest child and then saying they were moving to CA and adopting children that do love them. My daughter was tramatized and still to this day blames herself. So about a month later they moved to CA and began fostering children (you have to foster for a year before adopting) and did not tell the kids, they found out on his wifes facebook wall. I know that hurt, it would hurt me if I was in that situation.<br /> I miss my daughter so much, we had a really close relationship that I feel is deteriorating every day she is there. She already calls her dad and his new girlfriend her parents (btw he kicked out his wife and moved in with his girlfriend two weeks later). THAT HURTS!!!<br /> Now my middle daughter says that if her sister does not come back then she wants to move out there. I feel I am losing everyone and I can't handle that. I know they should have time with their dad if they want but why did he move 3,000 miles away? Should I make my son go? How can I stop their father from alienating me when they visit? </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=4#post-21 Fri, 12 Mar 2010 18:59:59 +0000 Urchin 21@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>I guess it ultimately depends on how a person feels about their familial sets. I was going to go into this whole concept about how the body is made of both blood and water, and how blood itself has a good portion of water in it as well, but really that has little to do with it and it's mixing the sciences and would likely cloud the issue further.</p> <p>Ooh long run on sentence. Go me.</p> <p>My attempted point (this time) being that I don't think it matters so much which is thicker anymore. You learn from both, you ultimately need both for examples both good and bad. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=4#post-20 Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:13:01 +0000 David 20@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Hello Urchin,</p> <p>I am also adopted and understand your post all too well. I remember as a child thinking somehow things would be easier to understand and accept as an adult but that's not always true. I liked Carolyn's post earlier when she talked about feeling like that 10 y/o girl. I often feel like that little boy and I'm 35 with a family of my own. </p> <p>But back to the question at hand is blood thicker than water ?<br /> A few years ago I would have answered this as NO. However now that I've met my birthfamily and realize how many similarities there are and a strage bond we have with each other my heart and my mind have different thoughts. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=6#post-19 Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:05:47 +0000 Urchin 19@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>Oh, but I <strong>do</strong>owe you things, Carolyn! If only to satisfy my own sense of owing. &lt;img src=&quot;http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/my-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_wink.gif&quot; title=&quot;;)&quot; class=&quot;bb_smilies&quot; /&gt; Crunchies and Aero's galore! To answer your question the main post was after your The Connected Ones. Worthy of My Scar, Splintered, and of course Child of a Bad Marriage are others. I'm not fishing, just don't really see what you guys see I guess and it both baffles and makes me feel wonderful.</p> <p>It is scary being this open, and I'm sorry I shut back down, it's a cycle with me apparently. But I'm working on it. </p> http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/topic.php?id=6#post-18 Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:09:59 +0000 The Grown Up Child 18@http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/ <p>You owe me exactly nothing. What you have given me with your comments and participation here far outweighs any meal or yes, even wine. &lt;img src=&quot;http://thegrownupchild.ca/dboard/my-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_wink.gif&quot; title=&quot;:wink:&quot; class=&quot;bb_smilies&quot; /&gt; I am curious though what posts you are referring to with your comments. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but my curiosity is piqued.</p> <p>It's scary being this open. Sometimes I wonder if I was crazy to not have done this as an anonymous blog. I teeter on the edge of letting it all hang out and being real with being respectful to all those involved. Sometimes I think *they* wish I did this anonymously too. But there's something about the accountability that comes with doing it this way. I stand by what I write. No one else has to agree, but they have to agree that it is in fact my perception/feelings.</p> <p>I'd love to see you wiggling your toes again. When you're ready. And as always, only on your terms. </p>